So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
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