i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize