haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Randomize
