I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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