I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
