I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
