I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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