I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
