You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Randomize
