You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Bang-toberfest begins!!
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
