The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
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