Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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