Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
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