I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
why didn't you poke me back
We should takd a huggy cab to snuggle bunnyville
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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