The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
