tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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