I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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