I think I died a long time ago.
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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