tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
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