I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize