They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
Randomize
