I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
