I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
