the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Randomize