Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
