I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
