there were more penises there than on chat roulette
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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