Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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