Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
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