My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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