My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Randomize
