I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
