i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
