im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Randomize
