I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
