Just fell off a train. Bad.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Randomize
