if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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