hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
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