True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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