i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
