i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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