It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
Randomize
