I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Randomize
