It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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