So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
