Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
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