I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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