the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize
