why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Randomize
