Non-Jews are for practice
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Randomize
