note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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