and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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