When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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