This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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