Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
