you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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