Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Randomize
