On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Dick very happy bro
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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