Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
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